Karkat Potter
by TheTwoMind
Summary: WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY NAME IS HARRY? IT'S NOT! IT. IS. NOT! AND WHY DO I NEED TO USE NUMBERS JUST TO STORE THINGS! THE WRITER IS JUST MAKING IT HARDER TO WRITE MY STORY! GAH!


**AN: Hi. I've been on holiday so… Yeah. And then before that I was having some writing trouble as you might be able to tell… Yeah... Anyway! This story here, was suggested… Months ago, I think, by unknownwolf1996! It was back in June, so I've been putting it off for a while…**

 **Godric's Hollow, 1981, October 31** **st** **.**

Lily Potter looked at the child, trying to stay calm. She knew the child wasn't her own, but she didn't care. She didn't care where Dumbledore had found him, or why, or who his parents were. She couldn't care at the moment, because if she did, the child could die instead of her…

 **Later**

Albus Dumbledore placed the child outside the door, placing a letter with him, before leaving… Not noticing the letter float away in a breeze… Not noticing the child vanish in a flash of light…

 **Alternia. Four point six two sweeps later…**

This young troll stands in his respiteblock. What will the name of this young troll be?

 _ **Enter Name**_

You enter something predictably derogatory and this guy gets fed up by your shenanigans in record time. This guy has a lot of troll pals and their adventures are going to be quite extensive and convoluted, to an even greater degree than one perhaps may be accustomed. He thinks that if you think that we have time to drag out every little gag and expected pattern along the way, you've got another thing coming. He thinks you should cram that sobering understanding in your chitinous windhole, and tamp it down hard with your ugly stupid looking cartilage nub.

 _ **Try again**_

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. As was previously mentioned, it is your WRIGGLING DAY, which is barely even worth mentioning. It is an anniversary, if anything, to lament the faults of your existence, of which there are assuredly plenty. Equally plenty, and somewhat related to that topic, are your INTERESTS. You have a passion for RIDICULOUSLY TERRIBLE ROMANTIC MOVIES AND ROMCOMS. You should really be EMBARRASSED for liking this DREADFUL CINEMA, but for some reason you are not. You like to program computers, but you are NOTORIOUSLY PRETTY AWFUL AT IT. Your programs invariably damage the machines on which they are executed, which is just as well, since you like to believe you specialize in COMPUTER VIRUSES. When you mature, you aspire to join the ranks of the most lethal members of your society, the THRESHECUTIONERS. You like to practice with your REALLY COOL SICKLE, but just wind up looking like KIND OF A DOOFUS BY YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM. You like to chat with some of your other troll pals, most of which drive you BATSHIT UP THE FUCKING BELFRY. You have been trying out a new chat client beta called TROLLIAN, and you are NOT REALLY SURE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT IT YET. Your trolltag is carcinoGeneticist and you speak in a manner that is ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY ORNERY, ALL THE TIME.

So, for the time being, what will you do?

 _ **Captchalogue Important Possessions.**_

What? No. Your ENCRIPTION MODUS is very hard to use, as although you can Captchalogue whatever you want, to retrieve it, you'll need to hack the code to open the CARD VAULT left behind. This will obviously prove to be a completely ridiculous and untenable way of managing an inventory, and lead to a great many follies. Later on, you would swap your modus with your hacker friend, a guy who unlike you happens to be competent with programming. It would only make sense. But for the time being it makes your life kind of a nightmare. There are so many stupid things that happen because of this modus. So many, you just have no idea.

 _ **Captchalogue Important Possessions.**_

No. It's a waste of time.

 _ **Captchalogue. Important. Possessions.**_

Fine, fine, whatever… You Captchalogue your trusty SICKLE, and your HUSKTOP. Unfortunately, their cards then turn into safes and drop to the ground. You're not sure why you did that, but at least you know that your items are secure, even if you can't reach them. Or even ask your hacker friend since you Captchalogued your HUSKTOP.

 _ **Dodge Phoenix.**_

Dodge what? You look around confused, unsure of what a Phoenix is, before a burst of flame appears in your home, grabbing you, before your location changes.

 **Earth. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, 1991.**

Karkat dropped to the floor, covering his eyes in pain, two loud clangs signifying the arrivals of his safes next to him… "WHAT THE FUCK?!" He cried, eyes slowly adjusting to the bright light of the room…

"Language young Harry. It's been quite a struggle to locate you after you went missing." An old man told him, sounding disappointed in him.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU?" Karkat asked, getting to his feet slowly, opening his eyes and looking around the office.

"I am Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And I am a Human, young Harry." The old man explained.

"OKAY. BUT WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING ME HARRY? THAT'S NOT MY NAME." Karkat questioned, assuming the long name without six letter words was an Alien thing.

"Harry Potter is your name. You are the child of Lily and James Potter." Dumbledore told him.

"UH… NO." Karkat refused, shaking his head stubbornly.

"Yes it is."

"NO IT'S NOT."

"It. is." Dumbledore ground out, sounding annoyed.

"NO. IT. ISN'T." Karkat growled angrily.

 **One week later**

Karkat glared at Dumbledore as one of the… Teachers, that's what they were called, teachers. As one of the teachers entered the large room, Great Hall or something.

"Albus! There's a… Thing, attacking the School!" The woman said panicking.

Karkat tilted his head as he heard something, heading out of the hall, dragging his safes with him, still unable to free his items…

"SKREEEEEEEEE!" Karkat sped up, managing to drag the safes out of the building, eyes having somewhat adapted to the light of the daytime…

"NO. FUCKING. WAY." He said, stopping as he took in the sight in front of him…

"SKRREEEEEEE!" A large white crab monster was standing nearby, surrounded by adult humans trying to subdue it… But Karkat recognised it.

Dragging his safes with him, he approached the creature, which calmed down noticeably as he approached. The adult humans tried to keep him away, but the creature shoved them aside as Karkat approached, putting his hand on the creature's head, papping it quietly. "SSSSHOOOOOSH…" Karkat whispered, papping the creature more. Once the creature was calmed, Karkat grinned. "HEY CRABDAD." Karkat greeted the creature, recognising it as his Lusus.

"SKREEE…" Crabdad made a noise, which startled the humans, but Karkat understood.

"NO, I'M NOT HURT." Karkat assured him.

"SKREEE?"

"NO. I'M NOT HERE WILLINGLY.

"SKREE!"

"I WISH I KNEW HOW TO GET HOME… BUT I DON'T. I CAN'T EVEN GET TO MY STUFF TO GET A DIFFERENT MODUS, OR SEE IF ANY OF MY FRIENDS HAVE A WAY HOME." Karkat told his Lusus…

Crabdad suddenly raised one of his claws into the air, and slammed it down next to Karkat, breaking open the safe containing his Husktop, which sat out in the open, before Karkat turned it on quickly, trying to find a certain tag… There!

{carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]}

CG: ARE YOU THERE?  
CG: PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE THERE!

TA: yeah man of cour2e iim here.  
TA: real que2tiion ii2 where have you been?

CG: MY HUSKTOP WAS STUCK IN MY MODUS.  
CG: AGAIN.  
CG: CAN WE TRADE MODI?

TA: 2ure why not.  
TA: ju2t make 2ure two take everythiing out of your modu2 fiir2t.

CG: ALREADY ON THAT.

Karkat glanced to his side, where his Sickle was now sat, guarded by Crabdad.

CG: EVERYTHING'S OUT.

TA: good  
TA: now you ju2t take the modu2, and 2end it two me

CG: HOW DO I DO THAT?!

TA: you ju2t grab the 2tupiid thiing

This… Was gonna take a while…

 **Few minutes later**

Eventually, Karkat got the hang of it and sent his ENCRYPTION MODUS to TA, who sent back a much simpler, if not more annoying, modus for him to use, the HASH MAP MODUS, equipped with ten cards. As a test, he Captchalogued his Sickle, **S=2 i=1 c=2 k=2 l=2 e=1 with ten cards= Slot 1** and found it had been placed in Slot 1. He quickly moved it to his Strife Deck under Sicklekind.

Next, he Captchalogued his Husktop, **H=2 u=1 s=2 k=2 t=2 o=1 p=2 with ten cards= Slot 1** finding it had been placed in Slot 1, just like his Sickle. Huh. Didn't seem to be that difficult…

Karkat gave a nod, preparing to Troll some of his other friends.


End file.
